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Soul Man

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Aint it a shame all the world don't got keys in their own ignitions, life is the longest death in... [03 Aug 2005|12:49pm]
I'm tired of this journal. Some of you won't be included on my next one. I'd love to make a dramatic exit with my typical opinions, insults, and verbal pyrotechnics galore, but... blah blah blah, moving on... my new lj will be scottishtongue. And my final words of wisdom...

Opening beer without a bottle opener is serious business.

9 smacked yo' daddy

Talk away the pain for the very last time; Like an echo in a cave Let it die in your mind [12 Jul 2005|02:12pm]
Wasting time until I'm no longer too hungover to get my car inspected. It's been due since November. Oops.

Getting drunk while you have a cold is soooo a bad idea.

Rather than bitch about how much I hate myself and the world around me lately, I'm going to make a game: try and guess which of these is a comic book sound effect and which is the listed Ikea product.

PAMP: is it the sound of a 130 pound elephant turd landing on a midget clown or is it a ribbed glass vase?

KATTUDDEN: is it the sound of closing the trunk of a hatchback all the way with someone's leg in it, or is it two toiletry bags?

SKEPP: a samauri drawing his sword and removing someone's ear in one quick motion, or a wall light?

SMARR: the dying shouts of someone being flushed down a giant toilet, or a picture?

HUMLARP: the sound of a fat guy making it half-way down the sliding board then breaking it, or is it an easy chair?

INNVIK: the sound made when a clam jumps up and sucks itself onto someone's face, or shoe cabinet?

VORK: the sound of someone being warped into an alien space ship, or an Ikea rug?

EKTORP: the sound of a robot's arm hitting the ground after being pulled off by a larger robot, or a chair?

Why won't this hangover leave?

I give up on it alllllll I give up on the greeeeeed [01 Jul 2005|08:35pm]
[ mood | Current Beer: Smithwick's ]

Oh, just watch how I don't talk about why I've disappeared for a month.

So I'm staying at the ocean for a week. Much like last year's shore house trip, it is very necessary for me to have alcohol and sun surging through my body. This is what I look like now:

Using the latest in photo editing technology, this is my projection of how I'll look by next week:

So it's already time for me to take a week off of work to get drunk and fry myself and think about my favorite subject. It's kinda like my New Year; since I have this slight "grr, down with establishment" thing, it would be fitting. Things I've learned since my last 168 hour break from existence (aside from deeper things like true love and all things attatched):

My brother is apparently really hot.

A large portion of male celebrities can kiss my apparently hairy ass.

There's a place in Ireland called Kilkenny. I wonder if that's why they used to kill Kenny in Southpark episodes...

The following applies to no one on my frieds list: My stereotype of someone from California: "OMG, why is there so much drama in my life? Wow, I just said OMG. That is sooo weird... Anyway, I'm going to go take a handful of E and mystery pills and cheat on my boyfriend Tazer, who either designs software business solutions that he doesn't understand the application or sells software business solutions that he doesn't know how to design with StytchHookUp who teaches Yoga and keeps a blog about his philosophical views on anime.

I like the freeze dried vegetables in Cup-o-Noodles. And make sure the lid is loose, or else boiling water will surge out.

Tequila goes well with fruit and vegetables. But not milk. Pain and vomit will surge through your stomach and appropriate orafices.

Sometimes, the best thing you can do with yourself is look absurd and not care who's laughing at you.

I hate most people's fucking pets. Sorry. I'm a dick.

Some people are dumb enough to murder their second spouse the same way they murdered their first.

New Jersey has many roads and I think we have a slum quota that every county needs to fill.

Even though I wasn't hitting on her, I got the perfect rejection line a few weeks ago: "I have to go. My IBS (Irritable Bowell Syndrome) is acting up." It got her out of the conversation, and if I was going to try anything, the thought of something surging out of her ass would have deterred me.

I just heard the word "deluge" used by an anchorperson.

Despite my icon, I've actually quit smoking in favor of fruit. Blueberries are cheaper than smoking, and instead of comming out your mouth, noxious air surges out of... never mind.

Edit: What the fuck is up with this tag nonsense?

1 smacked yo' daddy

Saw it written and I saw it said... [04 Jun 2005|03:06pm]
[ mood | What's it gonna be next? ]

"Yeah, I noticed your hair is thinning a bit at the top!"

-My granfather, just now

God. And he hasn't even drank yet.

Batter up!

Ok, I'm going to keep editing this as the party runs on and something worthy of typing comes along.

I told my aunt (who somehow reminds me of Katie) that I hate Marketing and that it's evil. Which is, of course what she does! I guess the same theory applies for jews making jewish jokes, but...)

Graham is holding a tortilla chip by his dick.

Me: I'd drink that anyway... carbonated lemonade. Even without the alcohol.
Graham: They make that. What are you gay?> Where's my Dre cd?

Me: Well I'm Luke Skywalker, so I beat you.
Brandon: But I had a good run.

4 smacked yo' daddy

Lover, I await the day good fortune comes our way and we ride down the King's Highway [04 Jun 2005|03:11am]
[ mood | woahhh ]

I am from dirty genes.

I like SoCo manhattans. It's like Robotussin... Rubatussin... whatthefuckever. It's pleasant.

So I have graduation party tomorrow. Why don't I have my camera back yet?>

It's strange to think about the lifespan of clothes. Like, how much does your favorite shirt see? How many drunken nights, happy nights, miserable heartbroken sleepless nights... Why am I not out drinking/passingout in my car somewhere?

Gahhhh.... I had something coherent to post, I'm sure of it. I just can't seem to remember it. Maybe if I finish this bottle I'll find it. Reminds me of that time when I sent out a message in a bottle about a month ago. I wonder if anyone will find it and call me saying, "Woah, I found that piece of paper you wrote upon and inserted into a bottle."

... bored. Where's my phone? Missing my phone and camera. Fucking technology, it's being a dick right now. It's being a dick because it's not here right now. Anything that isn't here right now is a dick. But my dick is here right now, and it's definitely a dick. Wow, I am definitely not that drunk. I'm gonna quit and go home. And drink more.

Oh yeah, also, there's apparently a goth band called "Gun Show". That sounds really goth, right there. Goths generally like to work on biceps and stuff. Frontier Psychoanalyst. I am going to go smoke and drink. Tah tah


Where's ma Dre cd??? [30 May 2005|01:28am]
[ mood | bored ]

Not too long ago, I thought "the clap" was named so because you get it from loose girls, and when they walked, their vaginas would make a clapping sound.

Those book covers with the stretchy spandex-like material are far too much fun to fondle.

Smell of burning hair=good. Smell of stuff burning in the oven=less good.

I hate it when I hit "over type" instead of backspace, then go back and edit something and type over a sentence... then post and find out I typed over so much that it doesn't make any sense.

I'm writing a "thank you" note that's six months late. And since I'm not sure how to spell these people's names, I'm abbreviating them. And it's a generic card that my mom has stacks of in her desk. I could call all of this being professional and efficient, but really, I'm a dick.

What the fuck? Tom Arnold in an action film?

Blah, I'm going to watch tv and read Dilbert.

Why is my emoticon crying? All I am is bored. Oh yeah, he's gothic. Maybe he cries because he can't raise the dead?

2 smacked yo' daddy

With rain in my shoes... searching for you in the cold Kentucky rain [27 May 2005|07:32pm]
[ mood | creative... NOT! ]

Disclaimer: The following is a painful portrayal of a mind trying to conjure a coherent creative thought, like shifting without a clutch. This disclaimer is the most interesting thing in this post.

I know IM excerpts are generally boring, but I want to record the moment where I channeled the spirit of Dr. Phil when giving someone relationship advice.

greenplastician: That's what she means. She's trying to sneak out of feeling like she's insulting you. She's throwing a glass of wine at your face and asking you to pay for it.
greenplastician: NOW I'm dr. phil.

I was at work and someone had a TV on, and they had an advertizement on for Kendall motor oil. It was some Australian guy like the Crocodile hunter or Paul Hogan giving a testimonial for some reason (maybe Australians use hella oil for some reason?). At the end, he said, "Kendall motor oil gets a thumbs up from down under!" I almost fell off the ladder laughing. It's funny on two levels, because of the thumb up the ass thing and the checking for oil thing... Shut up, it's funny.

Sniff <BLUHH! ...sniff sniff <BLAAUUHH! I've been particularly unfunny and boring lately. Though some people laughed at a pair of pants I was wearing last weekend... I know this isn't that a boy is supposed to bring up, but I'm doing it anyway, go get fucked by a dinosaur. I wonder who originally named that "time of the month" the period. It's a really proper name. Nope, went nowhere. I'm gonna give this post a lameness disclaimer now. I suck. I'm only posting this because I haven't posted in a while, and I really felt like my brain was about to be active. Or that I need to do something that might jump-start it. And now that I've drank too much orange juice, I feel fat. Sometimes, being a neurotic fuckhead isn't all it's cracked up to be. I'm going to... something.

2 smacked yo' daddy

The welts of your scorn, my love, give me more/ send whips of opinion down my back give me more [21 May 2005|11:14am]
[ mood | Air head ]

What if these brand names made a joint venture? What'd they come up with?

Dr. Scholl's and Hershey- Sneakers candy bar for the elderly. Lactose and sugar free chocolate covering bits of shoe to keep the elderly regular. Gotta shit? Why wait?

Lexmark Printers and Bounty- Don't you hate it when you just want one paper towel and you pull too hard and unravel half of the roll? I sit in my room and cry all day when that happens and pull hairs out of my head. This product would send paper towels through a printer to control the speed of dispensing. You have the added convenience of accessing paper towels from your computer with the "print" command! What's more, you can print little text reminders on the towels to remind you such things as "buy milk" and "pick up the kids" for when you spill things or need to dry your hands.

Camel Cigarettes and Bowmore scotch- That'd be nice to smoke and get drunk at work. There's much to be said about my inability to multi-task, but this could be an exception...

Staples Office Supply and Sloan bathroom hardware- Come on, who hasn't thought of something brilliant while on the can, but had no where to go with it? You want to write it down, but you haven't wiped yet, and no idea is worth walking around your own house with a dirty butt. Can't we combine these things? Can't every piece of bathroom hardware have a pen and paper and possibly a fax machine? It's a novel ide: sending a fax while sending a fax!

Columbia records and Columbia coffee- How many brilliant things are said in the presence of coffee? I've witnessed more than I can count; and now the record companies can license and trademark it if they so choose.

Someone owes me $200. I owe $204 in traffic tickets. D'oh! So since I'm a loser who does everything late, I'm paying online so my money arrives on time. And on the site for New Jersey courts, they have a kid's section.

Beer then lawnmower then "band" practice.

Actually, I just want to make a note of this guy in my journal. There's this guy Mike that I might be in the start of a band with. Steve calls him "Santa Cruz", even though he's from Orange County, which doesn't matter much because now he's in New Jersey. Anyway, he's like thirty five or forty and claims to have been in a band that the Red Hot Chili Peppers opened for years and years ago and used to "jam" with the dudes from Sublime. At first, I was debating with myself over the credibility of these claims, but I've concluded that the guy is so nuts that I don't care how much coke he does or how well he plays bass, I'm sure it'll be an interesting band.


Dook dook dook dook dook dook dook dook dook [16 May 2005|06:33pm]
Two days late, but happy 21st birthday pollytrance!

Look at meeeee!Collapse )

Blah. Too tired to smoke.

My heart's dark but it's rising/ I'm pulling all the faith I can see [07 May 2005|05:55pm]
[ mood | WHat the hell is that? ]

I feel like such a damn hippie. I now have one of those decorative weaved blankets in my back seat. But it's because I keep getting really drunk and being unable to drive home.

Saw stand-up comedy last night. I forget their names, though... There was a Wendy Liebman (whom I now have a crush on, name probably spelled wrong)... something Johansen... Orney somethingorother... and some guy named Modi. All were a riot, but my favorite was: "So a fifteen-year-old was hunting bear, and he was attacked and almost mauled to death, and everyone was praising the boy for surviving. HE WAS HUNTING! HE LOST!

Many of the jokes were from a Jewish perspective, often urban. I wonder if they even bother touring the middle of the country. It's like, "Don't you hate it when it rains in New York and you can smell the hobo piss?" And they're like, "Umm... I hate it when I'm fucking the livestock and the bull get jealous." Then again, I like jokes that I don't relate to. "Don't you hate it when you're having sex with four women, and one of them gets bored and starts sucking your fingers and they get pruned?"

If I was John Cusack, could I consult The Boss for advice on life and love while he rocks out on his Telecaster?

I just made, like, the perfect wrap. It had seasoned cheddar and monteray jack, Mexican yellow rice, roast beef, taco sauce, tomatoes, kiwi, and mango. Mangos skins smell like gin on the inside.

You will ALL remember this as the day that

4 smacked yo' daddy

The dream police live inside of my head [06 May 2005|05:28pm]
[ mood | Stoked!!!!!111 ]

Stomach ache. Must kill time before going out...

I heard a tiny violin playing and my front yard is suddenly on the cover of Better Homes and Gardens. I am liking this new trend where I go out and get drunk every night.

Blow smoke rings after a gasoline colonoscopy.

I've realized that I don't care how I look anymore. I wear the clothes that I have that fit me comfortably, I pluck my eyebrows because it's fun. I shave the parts of my face that itch when hair grows in, I fix my hair to stick up to keep it off my forehead.

So me and Steve got drunk in a van with Sammy Hagar last sunday. Yeah. Our dicks are huge now because of it.

I'm starting to hate old people less and popup ads more.

Oop, bathroom and out.


There's a blue whale beached by a spring tide's ebb [05 May 2005|04:25pm]
[ mood | What the fuck is that? ]

I've realized now that I always know whenever an animal is suffering in the world, and it's due to lj. Almost all of my friends list consists of vegitarians, biology majors/animal nuts, and people who are up on social issues. So this reminds me of an old quandry I had about fur. I can understand why cavemen wore them... and how we evolved past needing animal fur. But now, the mentality is, "Gee, that animal sure is pretty. I'd like to look like that animal." Have you ever seen a rabbit and thought, "Man, that'd look good on me"? If there was an animal that had blue green and orange fur, that'd be different. Natural fur is boring. So I encourage fake fur that looks cool.

Got tight on manhattans and sang Meatloaf and Billy Joel at some bar's karaoke night with Chris.

ROFL makes me hungry.

Going to bar, end transmission.

3 smacked yo' daddy

Yay! Picture post! [04 May 2005|06:20pm]
[ mood | SATAN! ]

Drove around south jersey aimlessly with camera yesterday. My original goal was to capture every porn shop and jack-off bar I saw on my way on rt. 47, but I got lazy and realized it would have taken days to accomplish such an undertaking. So I got one indiscreetly labeled porn shop and gave up.

Drew Barrymore just took a dump in the poolCollapse )

Oh yeah, nyoinked from sperenza... couldn't figure out how to save the images... or even fucking print them, but I just had too much fun to not take pictures of my computer screen. This is me, Graham, and Steve as Southpark characters. Though I look like Kurt Cobain and Steve looks gayer than usual, Graham is pretty dead-on.

7 smacked yo' daddy

Get out of bed, come out and sing, blue skies ahead, the man who told everything [01 May 2005|03:42pm]
[ mood | Calm ]

Here's a trend that's always made me think someone was cool or interesting, but is really just starting to irritate me: people drinking ironic beer. People who know they can damn well afford Yuengling, but instead they buy Natty light or Olde English. I refuse to believe that EVERYONE likes the taste better. There are some people who are really drinking inferior tasting, hang over and vomit-causing booze because they want to feel cooler. I've drank all of these things at various points in my life for the hell of it. They taste like various party elements (Doritos, pretzels, peanuts), but on their way back up. In closing: no kids, Keystone and Steel Reserve don't make you cool, being drunk does. That way, people don't notice what an irritating shallow snob you are.

My whole house is echoing of Doves.

I think it's fun to find dead animals on my pool cover. It used to gross me out, now I think part of me gets a kick. Eventually, my compulsive side kicks in and I have to get the skimmer remove the leaves and corpses from the dark, cloudy, putrescent water.

Ate at fine Italian restaraunt in TRENTON last night. I always thought that Trenton was a huge ghetto with not much other than faceless business complexes. But the place was pretty nice... even though I had to drive 85 mph on 295 in the pouring scary rain. Ok, so I didn't HAVE to, but I was running late. Free drinks in anticipation of my arrival. It rained a fucking lot last night.

The sun is out occasionally and it's warm out. This leads to pretty sunsets by the shore after a pleasant drive. I think I'm gonna go run a bit and bear witness to this. Scotch may or may not be invited.


There's nothing left for dreaming now, only one final serenade [30 Apr 2005|12:54pm]
[ mood | Penis ]

On what happened at work in my last post: So not only did I not get sacked... I got pretty much praised for what I did. Warned not to go overboard like that again, but... everyone thinks the guy who yelled at me was a dick.

Did anyone else feel mysterious violent urges last night?

After a brief falling out last weekend, me and booze are now back together. Actually, the falling out lasted about an hour.

Has anyone else noticed that salsa and scrambled eggs tastes a bit like blueberries?

Has anyone ever noticed how graceless and out of place the human nose generally is?

The Coriolis Effect is fucking awesome.

There's so much noise in the world. I wish it was all in the same key. I think we would lead happier lives if engines and industrial fans, etc were all to fit a corresponding note in the scale of G. Also, people would be more likely to be able to sing on key if they were constantly surrounded by properly tuned air conditioner humming.

4 smacked yo' daddy

I'm Dante, and I'm the biggest idiot in the world [29 Apr 2005|12:41pm]
[ mood | Swinging a cat by the tail ]

So my brother got busted for smoking pot in a cop's backyard. And our whole neighborhood saw him get walked to our front door in handcuffs.

Realizing there wasn't much place for me in this mess (after thoroughly discussing it with my mom), I went to Steve's and got drunk and sang "Soul Man" and some song that I wrote on the fly called "Pub Massacre", inspired in Steve's mom's shower by misreading the label on her tub massager.

And now, I probably just got kicked out of my job. Not fired, kicked out. This is because I decided it would be funny if I wore tighty-whities on the outside of my pants and stuffed a cup as a cod piece. My coworkers agreed. They couldn't keep straight faces as I walked the halls on the way to lunch a few minutes ago and people tried to look at my face. Then I went into the employee breakroom where the head of housekeeping saw me and FLIPPED A FUCKING GASKET. He told me I was from the ghetto and he was going to kick me out, etc. He was right to be upset, I guess. He likes to start drama. He nearly got me thrown out for stealing eclairs a few months ago.

I might as well go back to work now... and probably get stopped by security. And lots of being yelled at. I'm fucking brilliant.

2 smacked yo' daddy

Hell bent for leather [26 Apr 2005|09:57pm]
[ mood | Manic ]

I am going to take over the fucking world!!


Looking at the sky wondering if there's clouds and stuff in hell [25 Apr 2005|05:22pm]
I just realized something about my brother: he must have a fettish for snacks on his genitals. I remember when he was little, he used to say "I want some crackers on my penis". Nevermind that I probably told him to say it. Between that and "tortilla chips in my dick"...

Pictures of clouds and stuffCollapse )

I've also realized that I get too much joy out of lame puns and inside jokes with myself. Case point 1: Steve realized last night that whenever I mention "Curtiss Flying Service" in my metaphors about stuff, it's from some faux-vintage poster in my basement. Case point 2: My last post was an excersize in self-indulgence. Whores being awake at noon, wandering without direction or purpose Drunk, Derby with no "caps", Men at Work Drunk... I'm such a dick.
4 smacked yo' daddy

I am a scene whore [24 Apr 2005|12:09pm]
[ mood | confused ]

Why am I still awake?

I stopped at a CD store yesterday. I'd forgotten what it's like to buy CD's at the store. I've become everything I've ever hated. Anyhow, the downside of not being at amazon.com is that I don't have the information necessary at my fingertips for selecting the right album. So all I could remember was that I wanted to get the new Doves. Because they were playing it. So I inquired and he said they were sold out of it, he said it was his friend's copy. I think he was secretly hoarding the new Doves album in the back room and he was shoving it in my face. SERIOUSLY! Why would they play nad promote something that they don't fucking have? Yes, I do realize that I typed "nad" instead of "and"... but I like it that way.

Anyhow, I wandered around the small store without direction or purpose for an hour. Then saw that there was a band called "Drunk". "What a coincidence!", I thought. It was called "A Derby Spiritual", except with no caps (lame pun). Oh boy! I wanna own a derby, too!! I'm gonna like these guys more than I like Rufus Wainwright! I opened the case (as it was used) and saw that it had many many cool sounding instruments like a "magnus" organ and accordians and bells and impromptu chorus'. AWESOME!!!!!!!! Now I'm listening to it and... and... I want to fall asleep and have my drool hit the keyboard and electrocute me! Great for a cloudy day, but they sound like the band on the sinking Titanic if they were playing for Bright Eyes whining. Edit: it's getting better. He's starting to sound like Elvis Costello whispering.

I asked the guy at the counter if they were good, and he got into like, their label and stuff... but he failed to mention anything about their sound. But I didn't like that he had me pegged as some scenester, so I also bought a Cinderella album.

1 smacked yo' daddy

Carmelita hold me tighter I think I'm sinking down [24 Apr 2005|06:28am]
Cleaned my car yesterday. There was stuff in that car dating back to before I bought it two years ago. And lots of short black hairs... like my brother cut his hair in my back seat.

Decided to drive a lot. Saw old hindu guy in a new light green VW bug with a propellor.

Got bored of driving and did a pub crawl in New Hope. Spent lots of money to get really drunk. Lowlights:

-Lighting the wrong end of my cigarette. Classic. I'm fucking retarded

-Since I was paying credit at my last bar, I had to write in the tip. But I kept screwing up the computation for the total payment and having to ask for another copy. His tip changed each time. It was only a $12 bill. I remember I tipped $5 the first time, $20 the second, and $7 the third. I liked his bar the best. Probably because I was at long last able to get drunk... and they had good onion rings.

-Walked by a store where the owner was snobbish to me a few weeks ago, so I decided to pee on it. It wasn't that late, either. Maybe 11 or midnight.

-Decided that I wanted a new car, so I tried using my keys on a new silver Audi. I don't think the alarm went off.

-Climbed into my car and climbed over the front seat and fell asleep in the back seat. Now I have the mighty neck cramp of failure.

My drunken antics are starting to bore me. And I'm a bit disturbed that I have been indoors for twenty minutes now and I still can't seem to get warm. It's not even that cold outside.
2 smacked yo' daddy

T.S. Idiot/ Lawrence of Arabia touched your mother's labia [22 Apr 2005|05:10pm]
[ mood | Chapped lips? ]

Don't you hate it when you drop your fork, and it shoots across the room... and it's the only clean fork? Wouldn't it be great if that was the most troubling thing in one's life? See, that is something that you'd think it'd be safe to wish for (if you ever met a genie)... and you'd think that your life's troubles would disappear. But what'd really happen is you'd become so miserably obsessive compulsive that just dropping a fork would make you shit yourself and cry for two hours. I like thinking about ways to trick a genie. It's a serious quandry that I often face.

So spring has arrived, and the leaves are opening like mouths that wish to tell secrets of love and passion... or vomit on my head. Here are some things that'd make the emotional roller coaster that is spring a little bit better:

If you spilled a dyed liquid (like Koolaide or Fruitopia etc) on your lawn during winter, the grass will grow back that colour.

There's a pollen that causes erections.

If you find roadkill and bury it, it's offspring will bring you a gift basket.

In the same philosophy of the St. Bernards with the barrel around it's neck, there's a squirrel that carries poison ivy ointment.

If there was something sadistic like a bear trap, but for mosquitos.

More fireflies. And different colours.

Coconuts that grow with natural tequila in them.

Talking trees that corrected people's grammar.

We should also be allowed to pee different colours.

So I had a weird dream the other night that the following two people were having gay sex all the time and invited me to their house:

And of course...

They were constantly buggering and eating penne pasta. Their house was nice, but too many bright colours. I think they wanted me to buy their car.

Why is it when you search google, they say the search yielded "about" 7,444 or whatever results. It's the fucking internet. It operates on numbers. HOW does it not know the exact number?

Oh CRAP, my mom's out of town. My house is going to die.

2 smacked yo' daddy

Now we're back in New York City lookin' for love in the lies of a lonely friend [19 Apr 2005|09:17pm]
[ mood | Itchy ]

God dammit, I ate too much cereal and I'm too unwashed.

I think that... nah, I got nothin' right now. Bloated full of milk, rice crispies, and orange juice is really shitty. I was going to talk about something that lead to a story about making fun of stupid people and liking most stupid people and hating some stupid people and eventually lead into this stupid story of this hippopotamus-looking guy that has lots of money despite being a big meathead who bosses everyone around without actually knowing a damn thing about anything... but I thought that bitching about feeling dirty and bloated, then saying that I meant to tell an actual story instead of wasting my time I just went cross-eyed.

I need to bathe and lie down now. And because I like to take a joke long past the point where it stops being funny and is bordering on psychosis, here's another picture of Hugo Weaving:

Insert your own lame-ass caption.

5 smacked yo' daddy

Dream of life comes to me like a catfish dancing on the end of my line [17 Apr 2005|11:49am]
[ mood | Orange juice ]

Damn. It must've been pretty intense last night. My dad is sleeping on the back porch.

Of all the things that could've happened here last night, I am most pissed at Graham for eating all the peanut butter out of the peanut ice cream. That alone is grounds for attack. But so much else happened. Maybe he needs to go to jail. But it's more like Monopoly jail, so he has to sit there and roll the dice while he's stuck in a room with an ugly guy.

Root beer is pretty damn cool. There needs to be an alcoholic variety of it. Though it tastes kinda like watermelon when it's cheap generic stuff.

Anyone want a candy cane?

Chris has been stealing really nice poker chips and giving them to me. And his dad sits bare-ass on his kitchen table.

Went to Phillies game yesterday with Bill... they won for a change. I've concluded that girls who like baseball don't take good care of their skin.

I know I usually have a picture of Hugo Weaving in my posts. But this time, I'm just going to feature his penis. See:

If you don't get it, sheild your eyes.

12 smacked yo' daddy

Ruuunnnescape! [11 Apr 2005|06:24pm]
[ mood | cheerful ]

So me and Hugo have finally made peace. We talked over the fence in our backyards over our issues, and everything is cool. Here is a picture of these proceedings:

Sorry it's pixilated in some areas... but that's just because the picture is real, authentic, and definitely not photoshopped. Because the sky is sometimes perfectly flat and flush with the landscape... and Hugo wears the pink shirt from The Old Man Who Liked to Tell Stories all the time.

On an unrelated topic, I just discovered that when you have lots of hair and put a cigarette behind your ear, it makes you look like you have pointed ears.

Dude, you're getting a dell.

5 smacked yo' daddy

I've half a mind to join the club and beat you with it [09 Apr 2005|08:16pm]
[ mood | laughing ]

Sheep poison themselves.

Oh no's!

9 smacked yo' daddy

I ask her how she knew to reach out for me at that moment [07 Apr 2005|01:08am]
[ mood | Too many fucking cigarettes. ]

I fucking hate how my sloppy typing can make me reload the page and lose an entire entry. ANd you know what? I'm tired of hittng backspace, and my tpying is ugly tonight, so... sorry.

No, I'm not drunk, just sitting funny and it's impairing my typing. Plus I typed all of this already.

So I guess we came to an agreement one day where boys and girls can be in love with someone and also have their "celebrity crush". I must've been asleep that day. Figures. We've established that girls will overlook those tasteless huge posters of improbably proportioned girls and calendars that are merely porn that you turn the page to it every 30 days. Or those boys that have the creepy porn collection and anime fettishes. And girls will have their list of famous boys that they tease their boyfriends with because they'll never have that body, that jawline, those eyebrows, those eyes, that hair, that much education and/or poise or be that funny and intriguing and talented. So we damage eachother's self esteem and collectively flatter celebrities who have the unfair advantage of plastic surgery, personal trainers, teams of psychologists and yes-men, financial means and emotional encouragement, the ability to travel wherever they want with no obligations, etc.

Or I'm taking it too seriously. Either way, I've fallen victim to one of these. But I won't dwell on that. I just want to examine a few of the common culprits that find their way into a girl's fantasy.

NOT Brad Pitt!! Yes, culprit #1. The ultimate cliche. Like being stuck with that song from Titanic as your prom theme. EVERYONE likes him. Every boy and girl that I've talked to likes him and/or wants to fuck him for different reasons. Katie in Fight Club. Brandon in Seven. Steve in everything he's seen him in. Even my MOM in Kalifornia. But I feel kinda bad for him. First I see him stuck married to the terminally figureless and boring and strange-nosed Jennifer Aniston. Now, supposedly he's with Angelina Jolie, who's lips were created the same day God invented bean-bag chairs.

Another one that I just don't get. Orlando Bloom. It looks like his face is trying to eat itself. His eyebrows often make him look like a clam trying to shut.

Generally, it takes a very "special" type of girl to have a crush on Vin Diesel and there's a very "special" fad of boys trying to look like him. Both groups are dirty and stupid, as he seems to be. And where's his chin?

Saved the best for last. Yeah, in case the icon or the other pictures of him that I keep snarking at didn't give it away, this is the guy that is stealing Katie from me and everyone seems to think he's the sexiest thing ever except me. Though I'll admit that his eyebrows are hot. And any comments that I am only perpetrating her interest in him with this picture can be directed to my ass. He's not as common as the other ones, but maybe that's part of the appeal.

Now that my computer and google.com thinks I'm gay, I'll go.

Oh yeah, before I forget, since it says to promote their site if I use the picture or something by all means, go to this fansite for pictures of someone who makes me want to move to Saudi Arabia and become a eunuch. I need a fucking cigarette.

12 smacked yo' daddy

Long lunch [05 Apr 2005|01:51pm]

And, to keep the streak of having pictures of the forehead beast in my entries...

Hising his man-tits, obviously.
2 smacked yo' daddy

FYI: [05 Apr 2005|07:12am]
[ mood | surprised ]

My foot and my forearm are the same length. Your's might be, too.

Now, not realated to my forearm in any way...

Look at his stupid tooth! He ought to do something about it...

2 smacked yo' daddy

#*@*($ [04 Apr 2005|10:15pm]
[ mood | Balls ]




If I were a character in The Lord of the Rings, I would be Elrond, Elf, ruler of Rivendell and father of Arwen.

In the movie, I am played by Hugo Weaving.

Who would you be?
Zovakware Lord of the Rings Test with Perseus Web Survey Software

Really cool house I took a picture of:

It's the whole house, not just the top of it.

My feet stink tonight.

I used to think that the areola was a flower. What's more, I thought we had it growing in our back yard. So theoretically, I could've said, "Mom, the areola are growing in nice this year, in spite of the cold" or "That thunderstorm was good for your areola."

So I hate dogs... but I still pet some of them. Does that mean that I don't really hate dogs?

Well, I'm off to go hide my massive, grotesque forehead.
7 smacked yo' daddy

My chemist is the only friend I've got [28 Mar 2005|07:38pm]

Does anyone think this weird looking baldo with a tombstone of a forehead is attractive? Yes, he was Agent Smith in The Matrix and Elrond in Lord of the Rings (AKA, the ever-fun to pronounce, "Lotr").

Moving on, why do people have pets? Why pets? Where did this start? Were horses too big, but we still need a hobby involving living things? Are we lonely? Do we need to have something be dependant on us? So other people's loneliness slobers and soaks my pants and shirt-sleaves, makes noise, and won't leave me alone. If I had a child, would it be acceptable for it to run around your yard and chase you while you try to go about your day, shit in your lawn, hump your loved ones?

Ice kicks my ass. I always drop a bunch of it comming out of the freezer, then I hit my head picking it up... sometimes twice. Then, once it's in the glass, it causes the water to come out funny and spill on my crotch. It's taking advantage of the fact that I need it to enjoy my drink.

Beverage is a shitty word.

Oh no's!
15 smacked yo' daddy

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